Trying to meditate was fruitless. A cacophony of thoughts exploded in my mind and all I could do was watch and wait for them to pass like an observer at a firework display. None of them were beautiful crossing my mind’s sky, as they distracted me from my goal of serenity and calm. Instead, I wondered at the peculiarities of the human mind. Thoughts were born and died within seconds of each other. They brought about topics and ideas that I had never really considered before and haven’t considered since. These were so abnormal and strange that they would probably need a whole post just to give them full detail and attention. Other thoughts made sense.
Here’s just a few things that I was thinking about at that time:
- I hope my grandma is okay.
- I really should book a private dance lesson.
- I need to do more exercise.
- Could I write about this experience in my blog?
- I really need to work more on my story.
- I’ve got that dreaded scheme of work to write.
- I’ve also got that intervention to sort out for when I go back to work.
No wonder my anxiety is my constant foe making me feel like I’m drowning in a sea of dread and worry. I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing. Deeply and slowly in. Deeply and slowly out. The thoughts disappeared. My breathing dominated my brain.
Until the next explosion of thoughts. Strange, peculiar and down-right annoying. I flicked the strand of hair behind my ear that was itching my nose and started again, but the same circle happened despite how much I willed it not to.
Meditation Session No. 2 was more successful, as I used relaxing music to calm my mind. There were moments where my mind meandered from one thought to another with no destination or purpose. The calming music allowed me to access a different plane where my worrying was weightless. It glided into the ether, and then disappeared. The focus on my breathing slowed my galloping heart down and allowed me access to a brief moment of serenity that was blissful. I wish I could capture that feeling and use it in those tense moments where I can’t cope.
Mediation Session 3 was more enjoyable as my partner became my ally in the search for calm. Unfortunately, I became restless: I couldn’t meditate for as long as him. I was waiting expectantly for him to finish so we could resume our watching of the gangster film. Perhaps that is the crux of my problem in itself. I shouldn’t be doing yoga and then watching a film like that. Perhaps we should have watched a sweeping period drama where the cinematography focused on beautiful shots of the luscious scenery. There would be daffodils, tulips and hyacinths all making a vibrant Spring-time appearance in hues of pinks, purples, reds and yellows. Maybe I need to change my post-meditation schedule to calm my mind down.
How do others find meditation? What do you focus on? Let me know in the comments below.